Note to reader: There is NO spooge in this story. It is simply an interview for a magazine of my creation.

 

Salchicha Rosado, ‘The Iron Rain’ a name steadily gaining momentum in the realm of kickboxing. But who is this up and coming master of fist and foot? We sent ace reporter Hunni Furry to the training farm of Salchicha to find out this and much much more…… The exchange went as follows

HF: I pulled up to the rustic old farm after a grueling 2 hour drive through the Mexico heat. The directions were fairly simple but asking passersby for specifics was unbearable. Take the landmark-heavy descriptions of American southerners and mix it with the fast-paced cant of the Mexican lingo and you‘ve got a recipe for mass confusion. Once I finally got there I was able to see Salchicha training in a huge expanse of backyard. Wearing a pair of red spandex shorts, and a barely fitting jog bra, I was surprised she was so agile. Being of impressive ‘cleavage depth’ myself I knew how hard exercise with breasts her size could be. Waving, she motioned to me to meet her in the main house. As I journeyed up the gravel drive way I had a chance to witness firsthand the signature technique that put the Rosado name on the map. Salchicha reduced a well worn 15 foot section of barn to sawdust with apparently three kicks. Though if it were recorded and slowed down, I’m sure I would have seen five times as many strikes. The Hierro Lluvia (Iron Rain) stance was most impressive. Inside, the house was a unique mixture of Hispanic and Mandarin culture. A medium sized statuette of the Madonna graced the far wall of the front room. The mahogany furniture was carved exquisitely with eastern dragon motif. A poster baring the word ’Libertad!” hung next to the oil painting rendition of the battle of Zapata. Underneath those sat a curiously Cantonese shrine bearing what I assumed to be the names of Salchicha’s relatives past. Salchicha arrived shortly with iced tea, (which I was VERY grateful for) and sat down beside me after bowing at the waist.

I noticed your Hierro Lluvia technique as I came up.”

SR: “Si, It takes a while to get warmed up to that point. I wasn’t expecting you for another dos horas.”

HF: “Dos horas?

SR: “ Si…yes.. Ah two hours, I only learn Englais a year ago. I ..tend to use Espanish for any words I forget. I am barely literate with Mandarin though. You can edit this before printing?”

HF: “I could but it would take all the flavor away from the conversation. I mean apparently you are quite proud of both sides of your heritage, though I never thought I’d see ‘Mexic-andarin‘ done so well. Our readers would like to know a little about your history. What was it like growing up half Mexican in a Chinese culture?”

SR: “It wasn’t as bad as the rumors spread around. Mi familia was well to do financially. I was escuela de--home schooled until…I think my…. 7th year? And from there we moved here to Mexico. I was taught Luan Mo by mi madre. The ’Beautiful Demon’ style of fighting, es specific to females. It was funny because the philosophico de Luan Mo is geared to the female mind state. No males practice it. When I hit puberty I could not be taught any further.” **Points to a very noticeable bulge in the crotch of her(?) spandex.**

HF: “Umm…..yes.. About that. It caused some concern when you first entered the kickboxing scene as to whether you would be classified as male or female. At the time there was no ‘Herm league’ How did you feel about that?”

SR: “ It was just another stepping stone for me. I mean, they began to place me with the females. But all of the sponsors wouldn’t have it after the ’banera incident’ . Then the male gym would lose matches because their minds would be stuck on mi pecha all wet and slippery from the showers, And I must admit it…eh..turned me on to see them estaring when I bathed….

HF: “You mentioned a banera incident?”

SR: Si! The two pugilisitas, Black Tigress y Hellfyre had to be tested for embarazada- eh…pregnancy. They walk funny for three days after we had fun. Banera is the ’bathtub incident’.

HF: “Now there’s the story I should have done.”

** We both had a good laugh until I noticed Salchicha’s bulge had gotten a lot bigger during this area of conversation. And her(?) distance from me had decreased quite a bit.**

SR: “But anyway, after I K.O.‘d 4 male and 2 female opponents all within dos menos, I had to be taken seriously.

Others, she male, like me, and hermaphroditas started to get into competition, so something had to be done. ”

HF: “And thus the Herm league was born. Now is this Luan Mo the basis for your technique?”

SR: “No, Mi Madre stopped teaching Luan Mo y mi padre began with Capoeira. This was hard for me because of Mi muiy grande pecha! **bounces breasts for emphasis** I beat myself en la cabesa cada clase. Every time I go for a flip ‘PIYA!!” right in the face. So I wear the tight shirts y sosten…the bra, and that worked out.”

HF: “Along with your sex there was the problem of you being…a…well… primarily a prey type. I mean even now the scents you’re producing now are very… mouth watering.”

SR: “Chu want to eat me? (Shakes fist for emphasis)“your are welcome to try.”

HF: ” Aheh I’ll pass. I saw one of your fights, no pork for me thank you. I know that in the pre-fight weigh ins you almost always get the obligatory, “I’ll eat you when the match is over..” speech from your more predatory of opponents. Does this affect you in any way?”

SR: “Yes. It eserves to strengthen my resolve…My father and mother taught me a chant to say before every match. Is half Spanish and half Cantonese but I translate for you.“

“I go to fight with heart, soul, mind. My mind and body are one, my devil dance cannot be matched. No one can withstand my Hierro Lluvia. All predators run from the iron rain that shatters bones. Know fear now from the one you hunt. HIERRO LLUVIA WILL NOT BE DENIED!!”

**The last sentence was a bit loud and powerful. Dare I say it made my lungs and eardrums rattle. I’d never thought a pig could be so forceful.**

HF: “Oookay. There’s one pig I shan’t fuck with.”

SR: “You better believe it. ”Just because I was raised en el campo don’t mean I was born yesterday.”

HF: “With such a fluid, effective and dynamic fighting style, it’s been speculated that it rings of mysticism of some sort by critics. How do you respond to these accusations?”

SR: “Capoeira is very spiritual. It reaches into the realms of spiritualism, not magic. Ones belief can move el Montana. In that same way belief can help a simple cerdo capoerista hurt a hulking werewolf bare handed. Luan Mo was designed to confuse and hide ones feet. Capoeira is designed to give fuerza to la combatica.”

HF: “Interesting, So do you have any predictions for the future? How far do you plan to go?”

SR: “I plan to establish myself as a world champion, get endorsements, and let the whole world see that pork is not just another white meat. I think I should be able to find el esposo y esposa by then, settle down raise ninos cerdos. Even start a escuela de Hierro Lluvia., to give all the other herbivores a dream to shoot for of a world without predator oppression.”

HF” “There seems to be a strong anit-predator sentiment here. Are you biased at all?“

SR: “I think we can all exist without trying to eat each otro. Todo el mundo is capable of decent socialization. In the words of one of my favorite people “Why eat them up when you can eat them out?“

HF: “That’s a Reala Quote! So she’s one of your favorite people?”

SR: ”!Madre de Dios!! She is abrumador Bonita! **Salchicha gets up and throws wide her(?) front door to yell out;** SENORITA REALA! MI CUERPO ES TUYO! Mi CULETAS de CERDO MUIY HACE CALOR Y RICO por YO!

**Returning to the front room she adds.**

“Perdon, I’m somewhat enamorado con Reala you see. So very sexy and very big.”

HF: “I’ see, so how often do you train on average?”

SR: “Oh maybe dos horas every other day en Luan Mo. Capoeria is more…..fun for me, I practice that dairio,”

HF: “ That’s daily, right? It doesn’t leave much time for a social life.”

SR: “I guess. I celebrate with a few amigos after a competition. I don’t date though, to hard to find people who are interested in me and not what I do, or the dinero I make. I flirt with a lot of males who don’t want me because of my hombre paquete……male package. But I think That Reala is one who can truly appreciate me. I’ll hang out with her any day.”

HF: “I’m sure she appreciates the sentiment. Now there is one last question on my list here. Your name, It’s meaning is, ‘Pink sausage‘ care to elaborate on that?”

Salchicha leans forward elbows on her knees and spreads her legs wide, the bulge in her shorts quite ready to rip through. Her answer however was quite simply put, “No.”