It is the year 1880. In the vast desert horizon, look! It's The legendary Roke, and his faithful companion Lupito!

Lupito: When will we arrive at the American border, Mr. Roke?

Roke: Gringoland is just up yonder. See that point on the horizon?

Lupito: That point is a fly, Mr. Roke.

Roke: Uh, yeah. *ahem* Ok from that fly, it's another 20 miles.

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Lupito: WOOOW! She is *gorgeous*! And she sings like the angels!

Roke: You gotta be in love--you're hearing things! She sings terrible! A wounded jackal sings better than her!

Lupito: I think I *am* in love, Mr. Roke." *happy siiiiiiiigh* "MMMMMMMM"

Roke: So invite her for a bottle of your best whiskey..

Lupito: Whiskey? For a woman? You don't know much about girls do you?

Roke: So what's YOUR plan, smarty?

Lupito: I'm gonna invite her to the movies!

Roke: One problem there.

Lupito: What's that?

Roke: Movies haven't been invented yet!

Lupito: oh......oops....

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Lady Deer: You're fired. You're ruining my business! You promised me that you sing very well, and you're a disaster!

Zuzy: Oh PLEASE don't fire me, Lady Deer! *boo hoo hoo* I don't have anywhere to goooooo...

Lady Deer: If you can't sing, you can't work here. I can't even use you to serve the customers, because you're underage. If the sheriff sees you with my customers he'll shut me down! I'm sorry...

Lupito: Wait! Please, give her another chance to sing. She's very good. She just needs a piano man to help her. I can play! Let me help!

Lady Deer: Just what I need. Another Hero of the West. Hope you don't wreck the place like the last one did. Ok, what the heck. She gets one more chance.


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When Lupito and Zuzi began to give their truly horrible show, I recieved the visitor I was waiting for; my friend Boumboum, a weapons trafficker for the American army.

Roke: Hmmmmmmm. These are NOT the weapons I had ordered from you, Boumboum. My people need rifles, not swords! How do you expect me to defeat the evil government of Porfido Diaz with *these*??

(Roke picks up a sword, which breaks in two)

Boumboum: uhhhhh....come, talk to my commandant. He will fix it. But you know, you really should have checked our website first.

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Zuzy: Good bye, my beloved Lupito! I will never forget you!! *BOO HOO HOO!* *SOB*
Lupito: No, my deal lady! A gentleman never abandons the one he loves. And I won't abandon you!
Roke: Does that mean you're STAYING?? Ok with me. Just remember one thing. You're a Mexican. Don't ever forget, Mexico will always be your home, and Mexico's people will always be your people! Remember us, if you become an American.
Lupito: I will! And good bye, my forever friend Roke! I'll never forget you!
(suddenly, Roke pauses, hearing romantic violin music playing. Must be a violinist nearby. He sees these two young people, very much in love..the violin is playing... tears start to roll down Roke's face *sniff* *wahhh*)
Roke: *SOB* Ok ok ok!!! She can come with us!!!

Roke: Are you mad?? Guns to the indians? The Army could hang you! The very idea! Helping the enemy! What are you, a traitor?

Boumboum: No. It is not well known, but my grandmother is half-indian. I am 1/8th Cherokee. My grandmother saw her own family forced to march on the Trail of Tears, because someone wanted our land. It was our home. We lived there, for thousands of years. Many of my own family died on that march. They took everything my ancestors had. They call it the Trail of Tears now. But it was not because my ancestors cried. We did not. It was because the white families of settlers saw the army march us to death, and they saw little children and babies die. It was the settlers who cried.

At the Apache camp, we met with their chief, Sitting Bear.

Roke: A warm hello to you, Chief Sitting Bear. Why do you call Boumboum "Dances With Wolves"?

Sitting Bear: Well, I first met him when I was doing the Kevin Costner movie.

Roke: and why do you call Lupito "Traffic Light"?

Sitting Bear: It is because when I looked in his eyes, they were like traffic lights.

Roke: Er, Kevin Costner? Movie? Traffic lights? What are those?

Sitting Bear: Don't worry. I don't understand this dialog either. I just say what I'm paid to say.

Roke: Hmm. It could be worse.

Sitting Bear: How?

Roke: They could have called you Shitting Bear!


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Nightfall. Chief Sitting Bear sends a beautiful maiden to me, to pick fleas.

Roke: Want to know something, Zorma? My mother told me a prophecy, that the first woman to pick fleas off me will be my wife. What do you think of that?

Zorma: *smile* Mmmmm! Lovely idea! But...there's a problem. If you want me to leave with you, you must first first win a fight with my CHOCHOL. His name is Bambi.

Roke: Hehe. Bambi, eh? A little fawn. Sounds easy enough. What is this word "CHOCHOL"?

Zorma: It's the Apache word for "Lover". And he is very big, and strong. Much bigger than you!

Roke: YOU HAVE A LOVER????? *GRRRRROOOOAAAAANNNN* He'll cream me!! I'm gonna die! *GROOOOOOOAAAAANNNNNN* I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!

As I was about to fight the powerful Bambi, I suddenly remembered that my friend Paul Slinger lent me his camera and I had several pictures of another girl...

Bambi: So you gonna leave my Hair of Corn alone are you gonna FIGHT?? *flexes really really huge muscles* *GRRRRRRRRRRR!!*

Roke: Wait! Wait! I don't want to fight! Can we settle this another way? How would you like another girl? I know a very very beautiful one--her name is SophiaDear. Here's her picture! What do you think?

Bambi: Wow.....she's *gorgeous*!! Hmmmmm...*thinks a bit*.....Ok....I will agree. Give me SophiaDear and I will give you Hair of Corn. It's a deal!

Bambi: Wait..Wait... This is the 1880s..... I don't have a computer!

To everyone's surprise, Bambi found out SophiaDeer was already happily married. Chief Sitting Bear demanded one of us take SophiaDeer's place.

Boumboum: What? ME??? But...but...*boo hoo hoo* I don't WANT to marry Bambi....he's not my type!! *wahhhhh*

Roke: no no no. You won't have to marry him! Sheesh! No, they just need someone to help the tribe. Besides, the army's kinda mad at you for that gunpowder trick, aren't they?

Boumboum: Hmm....yeah, they are....I better not return there! Ok I stay here. I like it here. (sees all the pretty women approaching). Oh yes! I *REALLY* like it here!! Thank you, my friend! I will be JUST fine here!!! Wheeee!

Zorma: That is great, that you are helping. I shall miss you!! *boo hoo hoo*

After leaving the tribe, we went to a Texas town for a few days, where Zuzy decided to find some modelling work, at Mondoxjake Picture Studios.

Mondoxjake: Yes I am indeed looking for a model! Do you have a portfolio of photos so I can evaluate you? Particularly nude ones?

Zuzy: Oh yes! Here's one, taken of me when I was doing a theatrical play at Deer Lady Saloon.

Mondoxjake: Mmmm... Thank you...but...hmmm....nnnnnnnnnoooo.....not quite right....I'm sorry....you are not quite what I'm looking for right now. Maybe on my next proejct. Right now I need someone very slender.

Zuzy: Ohhhhh...well...thank you for considering me! It was a pleasure. Good bye!

Mondoxjake, after Zuzy leaves: HEY LARRY!!!! Get me a Koshini model! I have a great idea for my next photo!!