Transcript for "Newsprint Issues with Llewellyn Reynolds": Episode 221, August 3

Llewellyn Reynolds: A sweltering August night, here, dear listeners. It’s said you shouldn’t consume alcohol in heat like this – you’ll dehydrate; but, Christ, I think I might belt back a few after this next segment. Or, maybe before, depending how fast my producers can shuffle in the next two suited pundits who slipped a twenty and some to the new CEO so their home offices in Goat Puke, Montana and Cat Ass, North Dakota, respectively, can twiddle around the big boy lobbyists in Washington that they got their point out on this new-fangled device here of talk radio and ‘just totally ripped the other guy a new one’.

We – what? Already? Jesus, Regina, we just took a break. I’m pretty sure if the audience wants to lose excess pounds from around their midsection and have it go towards their penis that they would know what to take by now.

But – yes, but – fine. If you weren’t the daughter of our largest sponsor, Regina…

You’re listening to ‘Newsprint Issues with Llewellyn Reynolds’ on KRUS.

<Station break>

LR: Welcome back. Here at Newsprint Issues we are happy to offer our services to space out your commercial entertainment evenly. I mean, what was that? Two tampon ads, a gun show, those hip Gen-X condom ones, and that damn pill that redirects your third chin to your crotch. I told you it’d play, Regina. You owe me that five.

Regina: The guests, Lou. And, you were told not to drink in the studio. On sale now at your local Jewish market: Shlomo’s Peppermint Matzo, kosher for Easter. Shlomo products: Being a shanda for the goyim never tasted so good.

LR: My Hebrew angel of conscious, ladies and gentlemen. Fine, getting to it, then: my guests tonight – from Montana and North Dakota, remember – are Nelson Fitzgerald of the Planned Parenthood knockoff, ‘Unexpected Families’, and Timothy Writz of the conservative think-tank, ‘Men for the Purity of Women’, here to send a message out on the oh so little discussed and clear cut, black and white topic of abortion that I’m sure will be, of course, solved here, tonight.

Nelson Fitzgerald: Hello, Mr. Reynolds.

Timothy Writz: Blessings from the Lord, Mr. Reynolds.

LR: Uh huh. Mr. Fitzgerald, starting with you, your upstart clinic, ‘Unexpected Families’ has been drawing fire since it’s – if you excuse the word – conception some six years ago –

TW: "Heathens."

LR: "— for, what it appears, only existing to steal any spotlight from Planned Parenthood, a very real asset to poorer communities across the country."

NF: "I –

TW: "Two devils show themselves and you complain about the details."

NF: "I believe he was talking to me. Well, Mr. Reynolds, we would prefer not to associate ourselves with Planned Parenthood, as we don’t feel they go far enough in protecting a women’s right to choose. We may be called extreme, but the services we hope to offer in the future are a better option for the urban business woman who simply doesn’t have time for ‘neo-natal care’ or ‘ultrasounds’ and would just prefer a quick, discreet procedure.

TW: It’s called an abortion: starts with ‘a’, like abomination.

LR: You’re advocating abortion on demand? I thought the motto was ‘safe, but rare’.

NF: Normally, yes. However, Lou – can I call you ‘Lou’?

LR: Only if I can ask what your school mascot was in Cat Ass.

NF: Mr. Reynolds, however, the marketing stroke of genius is overpopulation.

LF: Stroke of genius?

TW: Be fruitful and multiply.

NF: The UN report on Human Settlements in 1995 says that the urban population will from two point four billion in 1995 to five billion in 2025. I mean, Africa, India, Indonesia, and Japan – Christ, Japan: what are those people, part rabbit?

LR: <Inaudible look of disgust>

NF: Look, I’m not saying I want forced abortion here –

LR: For those of you wondering, Mr. Fitzgerald is an overweight, sweaty man who smells faintly of burning ham and overdone cabbage.

NF: Hey, now –

LR: And, while I’m sure all the hip, young chicks dig middle-aged men in antiquated powder blue leisure suits with – God help you if that’s anything but a grease stain – on the leg of your pants, the utter <censored> that emanates from you turns my stomach. Fast thinking on the censor button, there, Regina.

Regina: No problem. Buy Shlomo’s Kosher Pork Franks, folks. Shlomo products: Putting the ‘oy’ back in goyim.

NF: No, no, hear me out.

LR: You’ve got thirty seconds.

NF: Alright. Alright. Ok, look, Abortion is a right. Who doesn’t allow abortions? The Taliban, that’s who. You want all our freedoms stripped away overnight? It’s a slippery slope, Mr. Reynolds. And, it’s a right with a purpose. As I said, overpopulation will bring us all famine, plague, and shortages of resources which will inevitably lead us to war – all because people like you don’t want to discard a few cells. And, if we make a profit doing so, is that so bad. Capitalism, my friend – free marketplace of ideas.

LR: You are a sick, sick <censored>. We’ll be back after this – you’re listening to 1010 KRUS. I’m going to vomit.

<Station break>

LR: I hate you people. I hate you people. I ha—

TW: Mr. Renolds?

LR: Jesus, you’re still here?

TW: Our Lord is everywhere, and, yes, I am. We both are.

NF: Howdy. Thanks for not aiming for my shoes, there.

LR: Crap. I suppose you want to explain your side now?

TW: I was promised equal time by your producer, yes.

LR: Fine. Where’s my bottle?

TW: You’re Satan-water is behind you – where Satan and his works should be.

LR: Oh, baby, make the bad men go away. <muffled gulping sounds>

TW: May I go on?

LR: Please. By all means. <muffled gulping sounds>

TW: If I may quote from the Good Book –

LR: Oh, yes, didn’t see that coming.

TW: —"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world": John 16:21."

LR: And?

TW: And, Mr. Reynolds, the Lord knew Jeremiah in the womb, why wouldn’t he know you, as well?

LR: Are you just going to quote scripture at me?

TW: What truer word is there?

<Five second pause, intermittent with muted gulping sounds>

LR: Screw your equal time. You two have brought up nothing but to defend, vaguely, your extremist sides. You, Nelson: you’re a smelly troll. Have you ever asked the question of where life begins? Is there a soul at conception, and if not, then when do we acquire one? And, you’re doing it for <censored> profit? What about the mother, then? Do you offer therapy?

NF: No—

LR: So if she’s underage, and/or raped, and/or a victim of incest you just vacuum her clean and shove her out the door with that crisp hundred dollar bill burning a hole in your pocket?

TW: Yes, tell him more about the soul.

LR: And, you, you creepy ponce… Regina, can we say "ponce"?

Regina: I…don’t know, Lou. Shlomo’s Fried Shrim—

LR: Shut up. Now, you creepy ponce, what if she was a victim of rape or incest? You just say too bad, Baby Jesus and all, sorry? And, even barring that, you step into someone else’s life and dictate to them what they should do in a deeply personal issue because you direct your god as a shotgun blast to her face and pull the trigger not even thinking of the consequences? What if she is physically unable to give birth – that the process would kill her and the baby?

TW: No exceptions can be made, all life is precious.

LR: Who the hell are you to say a twelve-year-old should be forced to raise the water-headed baby her father impregnated her with?

TW: That’s a little extreme of an example.

LR: No, it’s exactly the type of example you’re going to have to face on a daily basis if you want to lord over us lowly sinners who you obviously don’t think can think for themselves without your book and personal interpretation of it. Both of you, Christ, neither one of you are even women; and neither one of you are even wearing wedding rings. You, creepy ponce: how many women are in your origination?

TW: Well, none.

LR: You, cabbage man.

NF: Um, none.

LR: So you both sit back and pretend you know what’s best for women – who, and I may be mistaken, are the only ones directly affected by abortion and fifty-one percent of the population – and they don’t even have representation in your groups?

CF: Ah…

TW: Well…

LR: We’re taking a break. Both of you get out of my studio. Now!

Regina: Lou, Daddy’s on the phone and the CEO is buzzing on the intercom for you.

LR: Hell.

<Station break>